Dear Diary
by Lonaargh
Summary: It's all in a day work at the MASH 4077. The new Major keeps everything in her diary. Let's take a peek and read about your favorite MASH characters.
1. Day 1: My Arrival

_Yay.. my third fanfic. About MASH this time. This fic is a look in the dairy of a very young major. Warning: the ending isn't a happy end.. but.. then again.. the end is still a few chapters away. Enjoy: Oh..by the way, I already made a few changes.. thanks to Kat2004. I tried to find all the spelling mistakes.. but if you see those which I don't.. please tell me._

**Disclaimer: I don't own MASH.. Damn.. but.. if I did own it.. I'd be over 70 by now..so..not so damn I guess**

Chapter 1: My arrival

Dear Diary,

Arrived in the MASH 4077th yesterday. I can't really say that I'm thrilled to be here, but as dad always said: A man has got to do, what a man's got to do. The only flaw in that is that I'm no man.

They brought me here in a chopper, and as we were flying above the country it occurred to me what a terrible waste this war is. The areas that aren't destroyed yet by grenades and soldiers look absolutely beautiful. What a big contrast with the villages.. Almost all of them are destroyed, burned down. I can only imagine what the people down there must've gone through.. and the worst part is that the war probably isn't over for a long period of time.

I made a few friends already, even though I've only been here for a few hours yet. Unfortunately I also seem to have made some enemies.

Not wearing my uniform I bumped into this weird man, Major Burns. A short, skinny guy. He must be about mid 30's, but he won't have any hair left when he's 40. Something in his eyes predicts problems, and he looks a bit like a ferret.. strangely enough. He insisted I'd salute him, not believing my statement that I'm also a Major.

"I'm your superior. You're supposed to salute when your superior walks by. Unless you're a Colonel .. or a General even.. but since you're not.. you've got to salute me". He giggled after he said this. I'm convinced some screws in his head are scrambled.

He thought I was trying to fool him or something and didn't trust me at all.. Not exactly a warm welcome. Can you imagine how I felt? Standing there in the middle of the compound, being scolded by this guy?

Luckily two other men came to my rescue, well.. not a true rescue of course, I can manage myself quite well. But nonetheless I was very grateful when they stepped in. "Hello Frank, playing boogieman again? Harassing poor little young girls? Won't Hotlips get jealous?"

Never have I seen somebody getting so angry as Frank did. He literally stamped his foot on the ground and pouted. A grown man, acting like a child.

"I am not harassing her! She is supposed to salute her superior. And you can clearly see that she didn't and still doesn't."

"Frank. Just face it. You're not even a superior to a toddler, let alone a nurse." The black haired guy winked at me when he said this.

Franks' mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged.

"That was an insult! I'm reporting you at Colonel Blake!" Turning on his heel, Frank stormed away.

"You do that Frank. Oh.. and tell Henry we're dropping by in half an hour. We noticed he received a new whiskey bottle". Trapper called after him.

These two guys might prove to be interesting. They introduced themselves as Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John. Both surgeons and Captains. Trapper is a tall, slim man with brown curls. His eyes are about the same color as his eyes. The wedding band around his finger suggests he's married, but somehow I don't think that he has let that stop him from having his own kind of fun around here.

"Don't pay too much attention to Ferret Face, his mother dropped him on the head when he was little. So, what's a sweet little nurse doing in a war like this?" Trapper looked me up and down, I now know how life stock must feel when they're being sold.

"I wouldn't know. She's probably looking out for the patients. As for me, a not so sweet, non little Major. I'm looking for Colonel Henry Blake. I'm here to help out with his administration. You could think of me like a substitute secretary".

You know diary? Men are specialized in looking surprised. Especially these two.

"You're a Major? Like.. a Major Major? And Henry gets to have you? That's no fair! Why don't you come with us? We're more fun than a bunch of papers." Hawkeye even put his arm around my shoulders at this point!

"More fun than a stack of papers even!" And at this point Trapper slid his arm around my waist, both of them steering me towards some place that I didn't want to go to.

Stopping and ducking underneath their arms I turned the other way, towards Colonels Blake office.

"No one gets to have me Captain. I'll probably be wandering around PostOp frequently enough. So, if you'll excuse me."

But things didn't really get better after that.

My meeting with Henry was just as strange. When I walked in his office I saw a bunk. On that bunk I saw a teddy bear. A boy, who couldn't be a year older than 19, 20 years old looked at me through glasses that appeared to be too big for him.

"Excuse me? I'm looking for.." I began.

"Colonel Blake is expecting you miss Vine, I'm Radar..."  
It was uncanny, the way he knew what I was going to say. And it wasn't just this line, he just kept on doing it!

A shout came from behind the big doors that led to the office.

"Radar! Is miss Vi.."

"Miss Vine sir"  
Radar opened the doors for me and showed me in.

Henry is a very nice guy. A bit off, but nice. He has a fishing hat, with lures and hooks in it. So I guess he likes fishing very much. Although I get the feeling that around here things might not always be as obvious as they seem.

Henry seemed a bit nervous, fiddling with his pencils and grinning all the time.

"Good morning Major, welcome to the old 4077th. I hope you'll feel at home very soon. Well... I...err... Radar!"

"The forms are on your desk sir, yes sir, I'll show her the compound sir".  
Uncanny, just like I said.

Radar first showed me my tent and the mess tent.

"The food looks awful, but after a while it tastes pretty good" Radar whispered to me, pointing at a few things that I couldn't have identified if my life depended on it. All I can say is that it wobbled.

Watching Radar spoon some grey mush and green slime on his plate I felt my stomach rumble. It was either eat that or starve. To be on the safe side I took everything that Radar also took. If it didn't kill him, then it wouldn't kill me. Right?

Radar led me to a table where I saw two familiar faces: Trapper and Hawkeye.

"Well well.. if it isn't our young Major miss. You must have a pretty strong stomach if you can digest all that. You aren't family of Radar by any chance?"

I ignored Hawkeye's remark and introduced myself. "I don't believe I've introduced myself properly. Major Diana Vine. But everybody calls me Dee."  
Trapper smirked at me.

"Dee Vine? Devine? Your parents must've thought pretty high about you."

As you can see dear Diary, it has been a busy day, so I'll go to sleep now. Tomorrow will be even busier, and also a whole lot earlier.

_Well... first day in MASH.. what do you think? Flaming is allowed and stuff... and I won't stop writing because no one reviews.. I will stop writing if you all think I'm annoying.._

_Tahtah_

Update: well, I tried to rewrite as much as I could without actually altering too much. Let me know what you think. I'll retouch the second chapter as well and then start on a sparkly, brand new, third chapter!


	2. Day 2: Meet the Major

_Okay, I totally redid this chapter. I originally wrote this when I was 16 years old and had a total crush on Trapper. Not a good thing when writing fanfiction. So, new content!_

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, except for Diana.**

**Chapter 2: Meet the Major**

Dear Diary,

Today I started my official duties at the MASH 4077. And what a day it has been.

Of course Radar had told me about Klinger, but I wasn't really prepared for his "Ginger Rogers" performance. He burst into my office, wearing a yellow dress with puffy sleeves and grass green high heels.

"You the new Major? Great, tell them! I'm not fit for the army, lost my marbles, kind of thing. See?" He started flapping a handbag under my nose.

Gently I pushed it out of my face "You're Klinger.. right? Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Major Vine, please sit down". Klinger sat down in the chair before my desk, neatly arranging his dress over his knobbly knees.

I sat on the edge of my desk and took his file, looking it over casually.  
"So you want to be dismissed on account of being crazy? Section 8?"  
"No ma'am, I love the army, really. But unfortunately, and it really breaks my heart to tell you this, I am crazy, a danger to society if I do say so myself."

I grinned at him and put the file back on my desk.  
"Klinger, take some advice from me. The only danger I can see coming from you, is you blinding someone with that awful combination of colors"  
Klinger leaned forward, winked at me and whispered "Yes ma'am, that's the crazy part".

Chewing on my lip I thought about it for a minute or two, Klingers gaze fixed upon me the whole time, expectantly. Finally I took a deep breath "Tell you what, I'm really busy right now, with this being my first day and all. And honestly I'm not convinced about your mental instability. So you're going to leave my office, and try a bit harder next time. Understood? Who knows? Maybe next time you can persuade me. Dismissed".

I sat back on my chair and concentrated on a report I was working on.  
Klinger almost fell of his chair "But ma'am..".  
I glared at him, feeling that I had to make it clear who was in charge here.

"I said: Dismissed corporal.. and I don't like having to repeat myself".  
"Yes ma'am". He saluted and stumbled out of my office on his high heels.

Klinger wasn't gone for two minutes when the next person came running in, a blonde woman.. with that ferret following her.  
"Where's Colonel Blake? We need to speak to him" she stood in front of my desk, looking down her nose at me.

I leaned back in my chair. Raising one eyebrow I urged her to talk on.  
"Some insolent young nurse insulted Major Burns over here. And she neglected to report to me, and I'm the head nurse! I demand that she will be suitably punished".

Frank started tapping her shoulder "Margaret, Margaret, this is.. I mean.. she's.. well.."  
"Not now Frank"  
"But, this is that woman that insulted me".

Honestly, I can't recall the last time I smiled so wickedly. I was thoroughly enjoying this.

Margaret was staring at me. Which reminds me, what is it with people just looking at you and not saying a thing? Must be some sort of new fashion trend.

I stood up from my chair and offered her my hand.  
"Diana Vine, Major Diana Vine to be precise. And you are?"  
Margaret didn't take my hand, and Frank looked it as though it could bite him any second now.

"My name is Major Margaret Houlihan, and I insist we get to talk to Colonel Blake" She snarled at me. And I don't really like people that snarl at me, it makes me somewhat less cooperative.

I sat down again, folding my arms across my chest. "He isn't in, Major. And just so you know, for future reference: complaints about any of the MASH staff will be handled by me."

Oh diary, if only you could've seen their faces. I will carry them with me as long as I live. Priceless! Without another word they marched out of the office, slamming the door as they left. Leaving me in a fit of laughter.

I spent the rest of the day exploring the camp, and saw the helicopters bringing in the wounded men. People were running everywhere, it was what I call an organised chaos. Everyone seemed to know what to do, and I tried to make myself useful.

Finally the last patient was brought to pre-op and I was left standing alone. Pondering about what I saw I strolled toward the mess, my hands thrust deep in my pocket and not looking where I'm going. Suddenly I bumped into someone and fell backwards in the mud.  
"Ouch"  
"Oompfh"  
Angrily I glared at the person in front of me in the mudpuddle, and that person happened to be Trapper.

He just glanced at the mud and smirked at me while he was getting up again.  
"Hello miss.. enjoying your walk?".  
I felt the wetness of the mud soaking my trousers, a sensation I do not wish to experience too often.  
"Oh yes, enjoying it.. especially the rain and the mud is lovely", I growled.

Trapper sniggered and extended his hand in order to pull me up. Grateful I accepted it, but it was so slippery I pulled him down again with me. At first he just stared at me, looking surprised.. then a smile broke through, a smile that grew bigger and bigger. "What are you smiling at?" I snapped.. looking at my muddy hands in disgust, trying to blow my hair out of my face.

He started laughing, and tried to stand up, pulling me up with him. Finally we were standing again, both looking like mudmonsters. "There you go major, back on your feet again. A bit dirty but still healthy".

"I.. erhm.. yes.. thank you.. I think I'll go and take a shower.. thank you for your help". He let go and I walked away from him as fast as I could.  
"Hey Major!" he called after me.  
I turned around and looked at him quizzically.  
"You want me to wash your back?" He started laughing at my shocked face and made a run for it when I threatened to throw mud at him.

Dear diary, to be honest... I think I'm going to like it here.

_Alrighty, chapter 2. Let me know what you think._


	3. Day 14: Replacement

_Alright, new chapter. I really have some troubles with keeping everyone in character, so please let me know if you find something that strikes you as odd. I got the idea for this chapter from _Texas Bluebonnet _who was wondering how Radar would react. So enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: I don't own MASH, I just own Dee.**

**Chapter **** 3: Replacement**

Day 14

So dear Diary, I guess I've been here for a good two weeks now. I can't really say that I'm completely settled in now, but as each day goes by I find myself feeling more and more comfortable.

The majority of the people here are very nice and always willing to lend me a helping hand. The work I have to do has been giving me quite a few headaches though. Radar has a certain filing method that is rather strange, to say the least.

"Radar, can you help me out? I can't seem to find the forms for our rations, and I really need them. Igor is complaining about not having enough fruit. To be honest, I didn't even know he used fruit in his cooking. It all looks the same to me, brown, grey and disgusting."

Radar looked up from his clipboard and opened a drawer for me.  
"It's here, under the Y."  
"The Y? Radar, why on earth are we keeping rationforms under the Y? They're supposed to be under the R for Rations."  
"They Y stands for Yummy food."

After some inspection I found out he had more of them. For example, mine charts were under B for Boom. Tokyo passes were under F for Fun.

I tried to explain to Radar that more people should be able to find their way around the archives.  
"Radar, seriously. Y for Yummy? I understand that it makes it easier for you to find the forms you need, but anybody else would be looking in these files for ages!"

He seemed startled when I scolded him like that, but he recovered in a few seconds and set his jaw firmly.  
"Yeah, well.. Until now I was the only one who had to find them. And, and, and.. I.. oh gee."

I frowned at him and shook my head.  
"Radar, don't get me wrong. I understand why you did it this way. But did you ever stop to consider what problems other people could get if something would ever happen to you?"

"Nothing would happen to me! I'm always very careful!" He looked even more upset now.  
I sighed and put the files away, under the right letter this time.  
"I'm sorry Radar, but we'll have to change a few things around here. This won't work."

Radar simply nodded and walked out the office, but before he left I could hear him muttering softly.  
"It always worked perfectly, before you showed up."

I didn't pay any attention to that remark, something which I regretted later on. But at that moment I was busy putting everything back in order.

I was almost finished when Henry came in the office, still in his scrubs, smears of blood all over him. He looked like a walking corpse if you ask me.

"Goodmorning sir, rough night?" I inquired, trying to sound as casual as possible without showing my concern about him. They had been working around the clock for a whole week now, all of them were walking around on their eyeballs.

"Oh yes, everything is a okay. Yep. No problems here. Say, have you seen my bed? I seem to have misplaced it somewhere." Henry slurred. Now I have heard about people losing their grip on reality because of lack of sleep, but I didn't know it would turn out like this.

I gently took him by his arm and tried to steer him out of his office.  
"No sir, you haven't misplaced it. You're simply in the wrong tent. This is your office, not your own tent."

Henry struggled a bit and refused to come along with me, instead he squinted and looked around.  
"Not my tent? But that chair is mine and so is that desk. So it must be my tent. You hid my bed, didn't you? I knew it! Women can't be trusted with beds. They always steal all the blankets!"

I rolled my eyes and tried again to pull Henry along with me.  
"Yes sir, you are completely right. I stole your bed and your blankets. Now come with me, I'll show you where I hid them and you can reprimand me when you wake up again."

Finally Henry made a few paces towards the door, but then he stopped dead in his tracks and turned to me.  
"Wake up? You mean I can go to sleep?"  
"Yes sir, you can go to sleep the minute we.."  
Henry interrupted me with a smile of pure bliss on his face and a muttered "thank you".

Before I knew what happened he simply toppled over on top of me, taking me down in his fall. I think I actually shrieked and knocked over a few items that were on the table. I do know that we made a lot of noise, because Radar came running in.

"Holy cow! What happened?" he exclaimed, taking in the situation.  
But before I could answer, Henry started muttering again.  
"Y'know Dee? You're a swell girl, really swell. You're a great replacement for Radar, in fact you're even better than Radar! Because.. because.."

Radar didn't bother to hear the rest of the sentence, he gasped and stormed out of the office again.  
Henry yawned and continued what he was saying.  
"Because you are a whole lot softer to sleep on."  
He shifted his weight a little, pinning me even more underneath him and now really fell asleep.

Dammit!  
"Radar! Radar, come back. He didn't.. darn it, Henry get off of me!"  
I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't budge. Finally, after 10 minutes of shouting at the top of my lungs, the cavalry arrived.

"Henry, oh Henry. You in, dearest Henry?" Hawkeye sang, stepping in the office, wearing his usual dirty robe. Trapper followed him on foot, carrying a slingshot with him for some reason.  
When they saw Henry and me lying on the floor like that, they turned around immediately.

"Sorry to have disturbed you two lovebirds."  
"Got to go, don't make too much noise kids."

" No! Get back here!" I shrieked hysterically, they couldn't just leave my lying here. I had to talk to Radar.  
Hawkeye took a closer look at Henry and suddenly started laughing until tears were streaming down his face.  
"Wait till you get a load of this Trap, Henry is asleep!" Ensue more laughing.

"What did you do Dee? I didn't know you could seduce someone to sleep." Trapper quipped, after he finished laughing his shorts off.  
I snarled at them.  
"I didn't seduce him, he was sleepwalking or something and then decided to turn in for the night. On top of me! Now help me get him up!"

Well, it took quite some effort, but we finally got Henry to bed and I could chase after Radar.

At first I couldn't find the kid anywhere, I had searched everywhere. The mess tent, the latrines, even the women showers. After 3 straight hours of searching I finally found him back in Henry's office, I guess he must've snuck back when we were taking Henry to bed.

He lay curled up on his bunk with his back towards me, cuddling his teddybear.  
"Radar?" I whispered.

"Go away!" Came the muffled answer.  
I sighed and sat down beside him on the bunk.

"Radar, he didn't mean it that way." I said, laying my hand on his shoulder.  
He shrugged my hand away and curled up even more.  
"Well, how do you know? I mean, I heard him pretty clearly you know?" Radar muttered, his voice sounding a bit fragile.  
"Well, you didn't hear all of it. How would you react if you knew that Henry meant that I'm a better cushion than you could ever be?"  
Silence for a minute, but then Radar turned around, frowning at me.

"A cushion? He thought you were a better cushion?" He asked, puzzled.  
I grinned and glanced down.  
"Yeah, well. I think he simply appreciates certain features that women have more than you men could ever have. Radar, I'm not here to replace you. "

"If you're not here to replace me, then what are you doing here sir? Miss? Sir miss?" Radar asked, nervously now he realized he misunderstood Henry so badly.

I shrugged.  
"I'm here to relieve you and Henry of the immense pressure of paperwork that has been building up over the last few months. When my CO is satisfied that you guys can handle everything again I'm off to another unit. It's only temporarily and it will give you and Henry some breathing room."

"Oh."  
"Yep." Smiling I nudged his shoulder.  
"Oh. Oh gee. I guess I wasn't very nice to you then." Radar whispered.

"Nah, don't worry about it." I ruffled his hair and stood up again. "In fact, I think you are one of the nicest guys around here." I winked at him and left the office.

I didn't understand what he meant when he said he hadn't been very nice to me. I never noticed him being cross or mad at me.

Until I stepped in bed that evening. Something cold and slimy had been poured into my pillow and sheets.

I screamed and jumped out of bed, only to step into a saucer with something unidentifiable that had been placed there. The saucer caused me to slip and fall, I tried to regain my balance by gripping one of the supporting beams in my tent. But someone had sabotaged the beam, it broke in half and tore the entire tent down.

For a minute I just sat on the ground, shocked.  
Until a little bell in my head started ringing and I realized it must've been Radar who wanted to make it clear to me that I couldn't replace him.

Crawling out of the mess I saw him standing in the crowd that had gathered around the wreckage that used to be my tent.  
"Corporal! C'mere!" I growled.  
Radar ran towards me, looking pale and trembling something bad.  
"Now I just know that you didn't think this up all on your own, so just spit it out. Who was it?" I demanded from him, glaring.

"I.. I..oh gee.. I totally forgot about all this.. I didn't mean.. I mean.. Oh boy.." Radar stammered.  
When I suddenly heard two men laughing hysterically I finally put two and two together.

Pierce and McIntyre

"Forget it Radar. I think I already know. I'll let this slip by because we talked about it today and I can assume you forgot all about this little joke."  
Radar nodded and scuttled off again.

Dear Diary, I spent the night in Major Houlihans tent that night. But I'm promising you, I'm thinking up a fitting revenge for Hawkeye and Trapper. And believe you me, it will be sweet.

_All done ____ Let me know what you think!_


End file.
